A Bobby Ewing Moment
by Red Witch
Summary: Was it all a dream?


**The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters has gotten lost somewhere. Just a bit of madness from my tiny little mind.**

 **A Bobby Ewing Moment **

"Sterling?" Mallory gasped. "STERLING!"

Everyone was in shock. The horrible realization that Archer was floating dead in the pool instead of the robot clone had hit them all. "Archer…" Lana gasped. "Archer!"

"What? What, Lana what?"

Lana then opened her eyes. "What…?"

"You've been calling my name for like three minutes," Archer grumbled as he sat up in bed. "You're not that horny for sex are you?"

"Wait…" Lana sat up and looked around. They were in Archer's bed in his apartment back in New York. "We're in your apartment. In **New York?"**

"Well **where else** would I live Lana?" Archer asked. "With **Pam?** My **mother?** On second thought, don't answer that."

"Archer? You're…You haven't been shot?" Lana was stunned.

"Not recently no…"

"You weren't just shot now by Veronica Deane?"

"Who the hell is Veronica Deane?" Archer asked.

"Veronica Deane? The actress?" Lana asked.

"Uhhh…." Archer blinked.

"From the movie with the dress?" Lana asked. "Shanghai Moon?"

"I've seen it," Archer shrugged. "Never cared for it. I mean the dress scene was interesting but still…"

"Oh my God," Lana let out a breath and laughed. "Archer I just had the craziest horrible dream. We weren't spies anymore. We were detectives in LA. You were falling for Veronica Deane and I kept getting arrested. Then we were held hostage by clowns and bikers. Then you slept with her and Krieger had these crazy robots that…"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa…Hang on," Archer stopped her. "Hang on. I slept with Veronica Deane? In your dream?"

"Yes!"

"You couldn't imagine me with anyone **hotter?** " Archer was stunned.

"WHAT?"

"Seriously Lana," Archer said. "I get it was your dream and your subconscious. But a sixty-year-old has been? Ewww!"

"First of all she was fifty."

"Still ewwww…" Archer said. "I haven't been with an older woman since college."

"So you're mad that I imagined you slept with an older woman?"

"No Lana," Archer groaned. "I'm mad that you imagined that I'd sleep with an older starlet instead of someone **more famous**. Seriously? What about Drew Barrymore? Have you even considered her?"

"That's your crush? Drew Barrymore?" Lana was stunned.

"I find her attractive and quite soulful for an actress," Archer sniffed. "She has depth."

"I don't believe this," Lana groaned.

" **You** don't believe it?" Archer snapped. "I don't believe that you are so petty that you can't imagine me with anyone hotter than **you!** Unbelievable!"

"That's the word I'm using right now," Lana glared at Archer.

"The least you could have done was imagine me with an A Lister!" Archer huffed. "But noooooo! You went straight to the D list! Thanks a lot Lana!"

"You're mad at me because I dreamed you were sleeping with someone that wasn't as famous as you like?" Lana asked.

"If I'm going to cheat on you I'm not going to do it with someone like Veronica Deane!" Archer snapped as he got out of bed. "I'd do it with an **A Lister**! I have a reputation to uphold here!"

"Technically you didn't cheat on me," Lana sighed. "We were on a break but it felt like…"

"Oh God that's even **worse!** " Archer barked.

"How is that **worse**?" Lana asked.

"Because if I was free to sleep with other people I would have chosen to sleep with an A Lister!" Archer snapped. "But noooo! You delegated me to Has Been Town!"

"Do you **hear** yourself right now?" Lana shouted.

"Do **you**?" Archer shot back.

"I'm the one who had a nightmare about you cheating on me and **dying** and all you can think about is that the woman who nearly killed you wasn't **famous enough**?" Lana snapped.

"So Veronica Deane killed me in your dream?" Archer asked.

"Yeah it looked like a scene right out of Sunset Boulevard," Lana said. "With a creepy little lawyer named Alan Shapiro playing the part of a Jewish Max Von Mayerling."

"Yikes," Archer winced.

"And he hired some creepy killer clowns that held us hostage and got us shot by bean bags," Lana added.

"Okay that's weird," Archer snorted. "Didn't know your mind would go **there.** "

"It was just so horrible and strange," Lana sighed. "All I could think about was how AJ and I would go on."

"Who's AJ?" Archer asked.

"Abbiejean?" Lana gave him a look. "Our daughter?"

"We don't have a daughter," Archer said.

"Yes we do," Lana said.

"Lana I think I would remember if we had a kid," Archer snorted.

"We have a daughter Archer!" Lana said. "She was born in the airport in San Marcos!"

"Why were we in San Marcos?" Archer blinked.

"Because we were escaping the nerve gas Krieger's clones made while the CIA was invading," Lana said.

"Uh **what**?" Archer did a double take.

"We were in San Marcos selling arms after our drug cartel busted," Lana said.

"We had a **drug cartel**?" Archer blinked.

"YES!" Lana shouted. "After the FBI shut us down for treason, which it turned out they were the CIA that your mother schemed to sell their cocaine for them. But for some reason we kept losing the cocaine or Pam kept eating it and we all had to live in Tunt Manor while Cheryl became Cherlene."

Archer gave her a strange look. "Lana you're starting to scare me a little here."

"Cherlene? Ms. Outlaw Country who set a TV show and its host on fire?" Lana asked. "And the Country Music Awards? You don't remember Calderon? The coup Cyril carried out? The **tiger?** "

"Okay Lana, look at me," Archer looked worried. "Obviously you've taken some kind of weird LSD drug. Probably mistook one of Mother's pills for aspirin. Do you remember what you took?"

"I didn't take any drugs!" Lana snapped.

"Lana," Archer gave her a look. "You just said _Carol_ was a country music star. _Cyril_ carried out a **coup.** And we were running a cocaine cartel. I admit the thing about the tiger perked my interest but all the rest of that sounds like you're on a one-way trip to Looney Land!"

"Archer all that happened!" Lana protested. "Come on! You have to remember your daughter!"

"Mama!"

"Can't you hear her?" Lana protested.

"Mama!"

"Hear what?" Archer said. "I don't hear anything."

"MAMA!"

"WHAT?" Lana shouted as she shot up out of bed. She looked around and realized she was alone. AJ was crying in the next room. Then it hit her.

"Oh…" Lana realized. " **That** was the dream. Archer's still in a coma…"

Then Lana began to sob.


End file.
